Twenty Literary Characters I Would Date, Part I

This will have me tied up for at least four days. I brainstormed twenty characters from books that I, at one point in my life, was in love with. Then I put them in order by determining, on a scale of one to ten, how well they fit four factors I find appealing in literary men:

• Hottness: Self-explanatory; often linked to my favorite TV or movie portrayal of the character
• Likeability: If that character existed today and asked me out, Likeability measures how attractive I would find their personality and behavior. 
• Byronicness: How Byronic are they? 
• Woobieness: A woobie is a character that is tragic and sympathetic because of outside circumstances. I made this list a few months ago and many of my favorite characters were quite low because they weren't Byronic. This statistic allows non-antiheroes a chance to rank higher. If their Woobieness is established by a Dark and Troubled Past, though, then it also contributes to their Byronicness.

20. Legolas

• Books: The Lord of the Rings series by J.R.R. Tolkien
• Hottness: 8
• Likeability: 7
• Byronicness: 0
• Woobieness: 10
• Total: 16

Reasoning: Legolas was my ultimate dream guy when I was in middle school. To this day my room is covered with posters of him and a life-sized stand up resides by my desk. As I grew up I no longer found blonde hair attractive, though. And, let’s be honest, he has very little characterization, and that gives him nothing in the final two categories. The one Woobieness point is a pity point; I didn’t want him to have two zeroes. On the other hand, he seems like a pretty nice guy, if a bit more jubilant than I like. 

Portrayal: Orlando Bloom in the films. This was the role that put Orly at the top of my Ten Hottest Guys List for many years. Unfortunately, not even brunette Will Turner could keep him from being demoted to fourth as I grew out my fad. 

19. Hamlet

• Book: Hamlet by William Shakespeare
• Hottness: 4
• Likeability: 4
• Byronicness: 7
• Woobieness: 10
• Total: 25

Reasoning: Hamlet is the reason for the new Woobieness category. His tragedy is, in my mind, his most defining characteristic. The Byronicness score is further enhanced by his “insanity.” Although I believe that he wasn’t really crazy, if he behaved that way around me I would still hold it against him whether it was an act or not. In other words, it doesn’t make him very Likeable. His Hotness is entirely subject to my vision of him; see below. 

Portrayal: Laurence Olivier is the golden standard when it comes to anything Shakespeare. He is very attractive with his head of gorgeous dark hair . . . wait! He DYED it?! Why?! If he played Hamlet as a brunette, he would’ve scored a 9 in Hotness. But he didn’t, and it’s too bad for him.

18. Caspian X

• Books: The Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S. Lewis
• Hottness: 10
• Likeability: 8
• Byronicness: 3
• Woobieness: 6
• Total: 27

Reasoning: There was a five-way tie at 27 points between Caspian X, F’lar, Dracula, Mr. Darcy, and John Brooke. Poor Caspian came out the worst because he was a “classical hero” while the others were or at least leaned towards antihero at some point in their stories.






Because of that, Caspian was deducted points in Likeability for being too perfectly flawless. In my world antiheroes fare much better in that category because they’re more lifelike. He also benefited from the new Woobieness statistic since he is only minimally Byronic. Any points he earned in the latter came from the former’s Dark and Troubled Past. 

Portrayal: There were many inconsistencies between the newest Prince Caspian movie and the book, and only one I liked. In the book Caspian is a blonde; in the movie the director had the good sense to make him a brunette. That, in addition to Ben Barnes’s natural good looks, positively affected his Hotness score. Barnes’s accent could enter into Narm land sometimes, but overall his performance embodied Caspian’s character very well. Fortunately the accent was dropped in the third movie.

17. F'lar 

• Books: The Dragonriders of Pern series by Anne McCaffrey
• Hottness: 10
• Likeability: 10
• Byronicness: 3
• Woobieness: 4
• Total: 27

Reasoning: F’lar is the weyrleader of Benden Weyr and uses his reasoning and research skills to save Pern over and over again. Like Caspian X he is a classical hero, but maintains enough rough edges to pull him ahead. Although some of his behavior isn’t very Likeable (i.e. slapping Lessa and constantly being very rude to her), I’ll ignore it in name of Values Dissonance since the first books were written in the 1960s. He stopped acting like that in later ones. He is a rare example of a character on this list with a low Byronicness score that is independent of Woobieness. His Woobie status is caused by the idiots his highly competent mind has to deal with, while his Byronic status is based on snarkiness. 

 

Maybe I like F’lar so much because I resemble his wife, Lessa, quite a bit. Both of us have frizzy, uncontrollable hair, a petite build, and strong will. The only difference between us is a) location, and b) hair color. She has gorgeous pitch black tresses. 

Portrayal: There is a Dragonflight movie in the making, but it’s been in Development Hell for years and doesn’t look like it will be made anytime soon. The photo above is from officially released Dragonriders of Pern merchandise and summarizes my vision of F’lar very well. I think Eric Bana looks right for the part, with Christina Ricci as Lessa and Orlando Bloom as F’nor, F’lar’s half-brother. 

16. John Brook

• Books: Little Women and Little Men by Louisa May Alcott
• Hottness: 10
• Likeability: 10
• Byronicness: 2
• Woobieness: 5
• Total: 27

Reasoning: See the photo to the left? Let me clarify right now: that is NOT how John Brooke looks, but it’s the only portrayal I could possibly find a picture of. See below. Moving on . . . for now.

If I made this list when I was eleven John Brooke would’ve topped it. I always loved his grave, stoic demeanor and kuudere temperament. It’s my goal to marry a guy like him in real life, making him the most Likeable character on this list. In literary characters, though, I want someone a bit more flawed. His woobie backstory gave him a few Woobieness points and two generous Byronicness ones. His tragic death in Little Men raised his Woobieness score even more. When I read the book at age ten I thought he was the hottest character in it. And for my discussion of that . . .

Portrayal: I’ve yet to see anyone portray him the way I’ve always imagined, but Cliff Potts in the 1978 movie came the closest. His acting was spot-on and he had the right coloring, but it wouldn’t hurt to lose the round face, dimples and gain a few inches of height. At least that version had the “Aunt March Settles the Question” scene, unlike some versions . . . Speaking of that, whoever cast the redhaired, underdeveloped, stuttering nerd shown above in the 1994 production deserves to be shot. No, that’s too benevolent. It (and such a person is an it) needs to suffer the hom-dai along with Imhotep from the Mummy movies. Only then can it possibly atone for its horrible casting decision. Despite its good points (i.e. Winona Ryder and Christian Bale), I cannot see the 1994 production because watching “John Brooke” is like being stabbed in the stomach repeatedly with a dull kitchen knife. Being gang raped and murdered in a dark alley is less painful. It’s like seeing a childhood dream and adult ideal break like a glass castle in the air around you. The broken pieces fly into your skin and dig into your heart as it cries out for mercy that the movie will not deliver. 

Next Topic: Twenty Literary Characters I Would Date, Part II (#15-11)
Listening To: "Dominion" by the Sisters of Mercy
Reading: Still struggling through Paradise Lost. I think I might give up on it and start rereading Dracula.

Book Review: Kisses From Hell

It is time to do my first book review, but my excitement is waned by the wish that the book, an anthology of vampire short stories I bought last Saturday at a local bookstore, is better. I had high hopes for it; its authors were teen fiction celebrities such as Kristin Cast, Alyson Noël, and Kelley Armstrong. Some lived up their reputation while others did not.

1. "Sunshine" by Richelle Mead
Character Development: 10
Storyline: 6
Vampires: 3
This was a very good choice for the first selection. It was very well-written, had interesting, developed characters, and left a really good impression on the reader. None of the future stories matched its character development because they painted their characters as stereotypes, whereas Mead presented us, in the first sentence no less, with the protagonist's strengths and faults, causing the reader to relate to him before the story even began.

The story goes like this: A group of around 30 Moroi vampires just graduated from high school and are taking a yacht to a private island to celebrate. Just before the yacht arrives Strigori vampires attack but are staked by dhampir guardians. The protagonist's mother was killed by Strigori so he was troubled the attack, but his girlfriend and most of the other graduates are laughing about it. On the boat the protagonist, Eric, meets Rhea, the fiancee of one of his classmates, the only other person shaken by the Strigori and who remembers the accident where his mother died. The rest of the plot is predictable: Eric and Rhea find themselves attracted to each other, some external circumstance forces them to be alone in each other's company for an extended period of time where they realize they love each other, Eric saves Rhea's life, and they break up with their girlfriend/fiance. I would've rated the story higher if the final four chapters didn't come straight out of the "How to Write a Romantic Comedy" handbook.

I have major problems with the "vampires" presented in the novel. The Moroi are described as "live" vampires compared to the Strigori . . . wait! Aren't vampires described as UNDEAD creatures of the night for a reason? The dead part is rather important. I would look over that if other common vampiric signs were present, but the Moroi can go out in sunlight without any problems, eat human food, and lack super strength or speed to the extent that a human "feeder" (bloodbank) is a worthy opponent. Really. The dhampir guardians are more badass than they are, as are the real vampires Strigori. I never felt like I was reading a vampire novel, so it's good I read this anthology before going onto Mead's Vampire Academy series which takes place in the same world.

2. "Bring Me to Life" by Alyson Noël
Character Development: 4
Storyline: 8
Vampires: 9
This is my favorite story in the collection. It follows Danika Kavanaugh as she arrives at a prestigious art academy full of mysteries. The only other student there is a boy named Bram even though there was supposed to be five. Danika keeps having this dream she is trying to paint which comes to life in a dramatic ballroom scene where the sensuous dream guy, Lucian, comes to life and needs her kiss to complete him. Bram comes in and stops her, telling her Lucian is a vampire who needs her soul to complete him. Danika listens to Bram and Lucian is destroyed. She wakes up to find out that she was part of a love triangle between twins Bram and Lucian and destroyed the mansion as she tried to leave it. The art school was a  tool to get her to return so her presence could rebuild the place. It reminded me of The Vampire Diaries meets Beauty and the Beast, and the scenery was magnificent. Very enjoyable and well-written.

The vampire elements are weak in the story, but they are, from what was given, true vampires. Immortal, survive on blood, and undead. The only thing I dislike is that vampires weren't prominent enough to develop it as a true vampire short story.

3. "Above" by Kristin Cast
Character Development: 0
Storyline: 0
Vampires: 0
Kristin Cast. Coauthor of the best-selling

House of Night 

series. 

I will not read. Ritualistic paganism and goddess worship.
                       I hate.

Random MacGuffin. 

Still well-written, very well-written, a million 

and THOUSAND

and a bajillion times better than the Twilight.                                           saga. 

"Above".                            Not.                                              that.
A million times worse.
than ANYTHING.
Stephenie Meyer's pen wrote.

Big-lipped Alligator Moment. 

Complete 

randomness. 

Publisher deserves to be SHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOT. now!!!!!!!! 

No. 

sentence. 

longer. 

than. 

twenty. 

words. EVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREXCEPTFORTHESELONGWORDREPEATSEVERVEREVEREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! No plot. 

sucks.sucks.sucks.sucks.sucks.

Where to begin? Almost the entire thing is written like the above "paragraph," except this word processor does not let me randomly throw the sentences around the page enough. I also think that paragraph is slightly understandable, a claim "Above" does not have. No sentence is longer than twenty words, punctuation in the middle of sentences causes thousands of fragments, random capitalization and repeated words, excessive use of exclamation marks, and paragraphs spliced up all over the page in what must be an editor's nightmare. It automatically scored a zero in all the categories because I was unable to follow it. Is it a vampire novel? How should I know? What is the plot? If there is one, I will need the Rosetta Stone to discover it. There are occasional clear paragraphs, but they serve no purpose when I cannot understand 98% of it. I wonder just how much of the House of Night series Kristin Cast actually wrote . . .

4. "Hunting Kat" by Kelley Armstrong
Character Development: 7
Storyline: 6
Vampires: 4
This was a nice reprieve after suffering through "Above." Kelley Armstrong is one of my favorite authors, and her Darkest Powers series is the best written paranormal romance popular today. "Hunting Kat" takes place in the same world as that series, so I was super-hyped to see what her vampires would be like, something I had been wondering ever since I read The Summoning. I was disappointed. They can go out in sunlight with no problem, eat human food (although that one might be a result of genetic modification), have slightly enhanced senses, and lack super strength and speed. At least they're dead, but still. Werewolves are more powerful. Why do modern authors feel so original debunking traditional vampire characteristics? It is no longer original. Original would be following Dracula's characteristics word-for-word, since no one has done that in the last ten years.

The story is excellent: A newly-made vampire, Kat, is in an automobile accident and taken to a prison where she meets two other vampires, although they haven't died yet and aren't full-fledged vampires. They escape and one of them, Chad, is revealed to not only not be a vampire, but a secret agent for the Edison Group. Kat and the Simon expy knock him out and go on their way. They argue, Kat runs ahead, and comes back to find the Simon expy has been captured. She frees him and meets up with her vampire guardian. As a short story, it's poor. There are a lot of unanswered questions and a very open ending, but it would make a great chapter at the beginning of a novel, which I think is its purpose. The lack of characterization may also be the result of that.

5. "Lilith" by Francesca Lia Block
Characterization: 8
Storyline: 7
Vampires: 10
Finally, good old-fashioned vampires! Undead, dislike sunlight, preference for black clothing . . . it's all there. A well-deserved ten.

The protagonist is a geeky loner who daydreams about a science fiction world he is creating. Then he meets Lilith, another social outcast named Lilith, who turns him into a vampire. Together they kill the bullies that made Paul Michael's life living hell, and Lilith runs off, leaving Paul Michael to take comfort in his vampirism. The story is straightforward, but the twist at the end is very interesting. It's also the only one that portrayed vampires with complexity: yes, living forever is a gift, but it can also be a curse.

Listening to: "Tears of an Angel" by Ryandan
Reading: I'm back to Paradise Lost

Duncan Regehr Month

Duncan Regehr is the most tragically unknown actor ever. I was going to write that sentence as "tragically unknown and underrated actor," but his problem is only a small fanbase. He is very highly rated by those who follow his career. He is most notable for his ability to adapt accents for roles, his height (6'5"), muscular build, dark good looks, powerful stage presence, and a voice that is like dark chocolate: rich, elegant, aristocratic, and refined. That is the only term that can properly describe is beauty. I am going to spend August honoring several movies and TV shows featuring the man behind that voice.

Biography:
Duncan Regehr was born in Canada on October 5, 1952. When he was twenty-eight he began acting professionally, but had already been a champion figure skater, Olympic boxing contender, classically trained Shakespearean actor,  and radio show host at the age of 16. I have no idea what the show was about, but with his voice he could make the New York stock exchange sound riveting.

Prince Dirk Blackpool of Wizards and Warriors: Evil shouldn't look that good.

His first notable role was as Captain Randolph in the Civil War mini-series The Blue and the Gray. The next year he played the aristocratic villain in the short-lived TV series Wizards and Warriors, my favorite role. Despite its popularity, it was cancelled after eight episodes. The next year he moved from black leather-clad bad guys to loincloth-clad gladiators in The Last Days of Pompeii. It was very, very nice.

One of his favorite roles, he has said in interviews, was Errol Flynn in My Wicked, Wicked Ways. His portrayal of Dracula in The Monster Squad was named the 30th Greatest Villain of All Time. I prefer a Byronic approach to Dracula myself, but his monstrous Dracula was still elegant, aristocratic, manipulative, completely evil, and very enjoyable to watch.

The New World Zorro series aired on the Family Channel was, hands down, his most famous role. He proved that he can act interesting good guys almost as good as evil aristocrats as the classic swash-buckling hero. And he wore black. He looks very good in black.

 An example of his artwork

It's ironic that a man known for playing primarily villains is one of the nicest, most talented actors around. He's been married for over 40 years to one woman, writes poetry, sculpts, and is an award-winning artist. He received the Royal Canadian Artist title by the Royal Canadian Academy of Arts in 2000. Unlike most actor/artist combinations, he actually makes a solid living off selling his artwork. I do not like his art because I dislike that style in general, but can see how other people would think it is very good.

Websites:
Official Site
IMDb Profile
Wikipedia Article
Fansite

Future Articles:
Movie Review: The Monster Squad
Movie Review: The Haunting of Lisa
TV Review: Wizards and Warriors
TV Review: Zorro
Duncan Regehr's Artwork (possibly)
Other movies (to be decided)

Listening to: "Lucretia, My Reflection" by the Sisters of Mercy
Reading: A collection of vampire short stories